For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We have started to decorate penises.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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