I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
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