I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
The adults are the big ones right?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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