I accidentally burped into my bong.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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