True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
