Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
