we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
