someone threw a dead crab at me
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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