all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
