I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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