There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize