Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
