I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
