OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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