I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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