so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
