Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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