Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
My boob is missing a layer of skin
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
