i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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