There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
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We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
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but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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