I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
