If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
