I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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