Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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