bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
