Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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