You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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