I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
