I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
