I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
