My sheets look like a crime scene.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
