when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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