Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
