Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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