just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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