Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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