The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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