Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
