I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
