how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
