I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
