if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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