laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
