Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
