just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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