Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
