I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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