If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
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