My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
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you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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