i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
