I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
