3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
