I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
