She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
