mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
