and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
How does one acquire holy water?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
