Please don't use social media to get back at me.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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