My ATM looks so different sober.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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