The maid of honor just puked.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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