she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
