nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
porn star boner night. come get it.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
