How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
